Episode 601: Alan Rickman transcript
Guest Star's Dressing Room Scooter: On Door 3 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh (Guest Star's Name), 18 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Name)." Guest Star: "Thank you, Scooter, just let me finish 1 more round of table tennis." Beautiful Day Monster: "Wow, Alan, you sure got 1 piece of it!" The Muppet Show theme song intro (seasons 6, 7 and 8 style) Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show........with our very special guest star, Mr. Alan Rickman......yaaaay!" [The Muppet Show Theme Music Playing In Background] Female Muppet Characters: It's time to play the music.......it's time to light the lights......it's time to meet the Muppets on 'The Muppet Show' tonight Male Muppet Characters: it's time to put on make up.......it's time to dress up right........it's time to raise the curtain on 'The Muppet Show' tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and other Muppet characters: it's time to get things started on the most sensantional inspirational celebrational Muppet-ational this is what we call The Muppet Show...... Gonzo tries playing his trumpet, but it sounds like fire crackers........ Opening Musical # introduction Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, it's gonna be a real fun evening 'cause tonight's guest star is 1 of the very talented movie actors, Mr (Guest Star's Name), and right before we introduce him, we've got a real big musical # to go around." Bunsen walks over to Kermit to tell him something very important...... Bunsen: "Excuse us, Kermit......" Kermit: "Yeah, Dr. Honeydew? what do you and Beaker wanna tell me?" Bunsen: "We hate to interrupt your introduction, but the Muppet Labs invisibility machine is about to turn all of us invisible." Kermit: "Oh dear, we don't want that to happen around here, not in the theater or on the show." Beaker: "Mee mee, mo, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "But don't worry about it, I'm sure (Guest Star's Name) will put a great end to all of it, and everybody else will be completely visible again." Kermit: "Oh good, Fozzie, now let me finish the introduction." Kermit: "Uh........ladies and gentlemen..........here's Killer Queen." Song opening Sounds Playing Rizzo and Rat Gang: She keeps a moet et chandon in her pretty cabinet, let them eat cake she says find me on the internet, a built-in remedy for Kruschavve and Kennedy, at anytime an invitation you can’t decline Rizzo: cavier and cigarettes (bad drug) Rat Gang: well versed in etiquette, extraordinarily nice Rizzo and Rat Gang: she’s a killer queen, gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser bean, guaranteed to blow your mind Rizzo: anytime Rat Gang: recommended at the price, insatiable an appetite, wanna try? Continues Playing Miss Piggy: to avoid complications, I never keep the same address, in conversation, I e-mail like a baroness, met a man from China, went down to Asia Minor, then again incidentally, if you’re that way inclined, perfume came virtually from Paris '' Rizzo and Rat Gang: ''Virtually Miss Piggy: for cars I couldn't care less, fastidious and precise, I'm a killer-'' Rizzo and Rat Gang: ''she’s a killer queen, gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser bean, guaranteed to blow your mind Rizzo: anytime Rat Gang: recommended at the price, insatiable an appetite, wanna try? Continues Playing In BackGround Miss Piggy: drop of a hat, I'm as willing as, playful as a pussy cat, then momentarily outta action, temporarily outta gas, to absolutely drive you wild, wild, I'm all out to get you Miss Piggy: "Commander Khashoggi!!!" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........... Waldorf: "So, uh, Statler, do you suppose there are some killer queens around here?" Statler: "No, but I do sense there might be some killer insects in this place?" Waldorf: "What makes you say that?" Statler: "Killer honey bees!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut to Kermit in his theater office............. Kermit: "Alright, thanks for doing that opening #, you all did great out there, now what's on next? the Swedish Chef is on next, the Swedish Chef is on next!" The Swedish Chef Sketch #: Double Fudge Brownies Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork....... Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng duooble-a foodge-a brooneees, vheech veell be-a a fery testy dessert sneck treet fur uny speceeel ooccesseeuns." Swedish Chef: "Furst ve-a preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und feeffty degrees ferenheeet." (He turns the oven on to 350 degrees farenheit.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in oone-a coop ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor." (He puts 1 cup of all purpose flour right into the mixing bowl.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot in tvu coops ooff grunooleted sooger." (He puts 2 cups of granulated sugar right into the mixing bowl as well.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in oone-a ieeght teespuun ooff selt ." (He puts in 1/8 teaspoon of salt right into the mixing bowl as well too.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot in oone-a coop ooff bootter." (He puts in 1 cup of butter right into the mixing bowl as well.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in three-a sqooeres ooff bekeeng chuculete-a." (He puts 3 squares of baking chocolate right into the mixing bowl as well too.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot in three-a lerge-a iggs." (He puts 3 large eggs right into the mixing bowl as well.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in oone-a teespun ooff funeella ixtrect." (He puts in 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract right into the mixing bowl as well too.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a poot in three-a teblespuuns ooff suoor creem." (He puts in 3 tablespoons of sour cream right into the mixing bowl as well.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a poot in tvu coops ooff semeesveet chuculete-a cheeps." (He puts in 2 cups of semisweet chocolate chips right into the mixing bowl as well too.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex ell ooff zee ingredeeents tugezeer leeke-a a pettern." (He mixes up all of the ingredients together like a pattern.) Swedish Chef: "Next ve-a puoor it intu a greesed thurteee by neene-a inch bekeeng pun ." (He pours all of the mixed ingredients right into a 13 by 9 inch baking pan.) Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a beke-a zeem in zee tuester oofee fur thurty meenootes." (He puts them in the toaster oven, then bakes them for 30 minutes.) Timer Ticking Continues Timer Dings The Swedish Chef takes the well done double fudge brownies outta the toaster oven while wearing his oven mitts. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a coot zeem up intu tventy-fuoor sqooeres ." (He begins cutting them into 24 squares, but the double fudge brownies come to life and begin marching around the counter.) Swedish Chef: "Hey, duooble-a foodge-a brooneees, cume-a beck here-a!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in their balcony........... Statler: "Well, he sure is good with those double fudge brownies." Waldorf: "Yeah right, they'll soon go on the dessert menu." Statler: "Until he learns how to put them in a better container!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Pigs in Space Sketch #: Automatic Spewing Machine Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaace!" Announcer: "Starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the ectomorphic Dr. Strangepork." Announcer: "Where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek, Dr. Strangepork came up with a new invention to destroy evil alien monsters." Captain Link Hogthrob: "What's that behind you, Doc?" Dr. Strangepork: "Behold, the automatic spewing machine, a machine that can spew out little gobs of purple goo." 1st Mate Piggy: "That can make a real big mess around here." Dr. Strangepork: "All I need to do is push this green button, and it'll begin spewing." Dr. Strangepork pushes the green button on the automatic spewing machine, but it spews out a lot of purple goo all over the place. Captain Link Hogthrob: "Look out, purple goo, coming your way, everybody, take cover!" Dr. Strangepork: "I knew this thing was really a spewing machine!" Captain Link Hoghtrob: "Good thing we've got umbrellas to keep us covered." Announcer: "Will 1st Mate Piggy ever take control of the weather pannel right before a great big rainstorm? does Captain Link Hogthrob have plenty of comic jokes? can Dr. Strangepork turn off the automatic spewing machine? all, some, more or none of these questions will almost definitely or not be answered in the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaace!" Muppet News Flash Sketch #: Twisted Vision Newsman: Off Screen "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman shows up in person Newsman: "We all heard about a weird event coming towards all of us, it's called twisted vision, it makes everything else all twisted up, so be on the look out to not get all twisted up, otherwise you can't see where you're going." Everything else in the news room gets all twisted up in twisted vision............ Newsman: "See? just what I told all of you, twisted vision makes everything else all twisted up." End Muppet News FLash....... At the Dance Sketch # At the Dance Music Playing In Background] Scooter is dancing with a female lavender whatnot named Mona....... Scooter: "Mona, you're the only person I care about at this ballroom dance party." Mona: "Oh, be careful, Scooter, you almost stepped on that poor ladybug." Scooter: "Whoa, sorry about that, ma'am." Lizzie Ladybug: "Don't mention it." Fozzie is dancing with a female blue whatnot. Fozzie: "What time was it when Sir Lunchalot looked at his bellybutton? Female Whatnot: "I don't know, Fozzie, what time was it?" Fozzie: "It was the middle of the knight? get it? middle of the knight? bellybutton?" Fozzie + Female Whatnot: In Unison Kermit is dancing with Miss Piggy, but are not saying anything else............ They all continue dancing around, 'til the sketch # ends....... Muppet Labs Sketch #: The Official Joke Telling Machine Labs Theme Music Playing In Background Bunsen: "Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, have you heard any good jokes, lately? well, I, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, am proud to present our newest invention, the official joke telling machine, in fact, it can answer most of Beaker's jokes, if he types the hilarious joke here." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, give it a try." Beaker types in Why did the duck cross the road? Bunsen: "Watch, and see if we get our joke answer." Beeping And Whirring The answer revealed is: Because the chicken took a vacation! Bunsen: "And there you have it." The machine begins tickling Beaker's funny bone............... Beaker: "Mee, mee, mee, mo, mee, mee!" Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for today, join us next time, here at Muppet Labs." Closing Musical # Introduction Kermit: "Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's finally guest star time, and here's Them Dry Bones with Rowlf as Dr. Bob, Miss Piggy as Nurse Piggy, Janice as Nurse Janice and (Guest Star's Name) as Dr. Goldberg, yaaaaaaaaay!" Closing Musical #: Them Dry Bones Organ Music Playing In Background Playing Dr. Goldberg, Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob: Them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, and that's the way it goes Dr. Goldberg: the toe bone's connected to the foot bone, the foot bone's connected to the heal bone, the heal bone's connected to the ankle bone, and that's the way it goes Nurse Janice: the ankle bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's connected to the thigh bone, and that's the way it goes Dr. Goldberg, Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob: them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, and that's the way it goes Nurse Piggy: the thigh bone's connected to the hip bone, the hip bone's connected to the back bone, the back bone's connected to the funny bone, and that's the way it goes Dr. Bob: the neck bone's connected to the shoulder bone, the shoulder bone's connected to the neck bone, the neck bone's connected to the head bone, and that's the way it goes Dr. Goldberg, Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob: them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, them bones, them bones, them dry bones, and that's the way it goes Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in their balcony seats again......... Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, what do you think about this new song?" Statler: "Well, not bad for a couple of boneheads." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Guest Star Congratulating/End Credits Kermit: "Alright, everybody, thanks for all coming here tonight, I hope that you all had a wonderful exciting evening, but before we end the show, let's give a warm rousing applause for our very special guest star, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaaaaay!" The guest star arrives out onstage with Kermit, Walter and the rest of the Muppet Guest Star: "Thanks, guys, it's been a real honor to be appearing on The Muppet Show with all of you around here." Robin, Rowlf and the others arrive onstage as well.......even Scooter and Mildred Huxtetter show up. Scooter: "Oh good news, you guys, we're not invisible anymore." Kermit: "That's good, Scooter, but we'll see all of you next time on The Muppet Show." The Muppet character voice performers *Steve Whitmire *Eric Jacobson *Dave Goelz *Matt Vogel *David Rudman *Alice Dinnean Vernon *Louise Gold *Bill Barretta *Tyler Bunch *Ryan Dillon [The Muppet Show End Credits Theme Music Playing] Playing Theme Song On Saxophone Waldorf: "So, do you think that invisibility stuff might come in handy?" Statler: "Well, you know what they say, Waldorf?" Waldorf: "What do they say, Statler?" Statler: "Now you see me, now you don't." Statler and Waldorf: In Unison Again A memorial dedication appears on the screen............ Dedicated to the memories and magic of Jim Henson (1936-1990), Richard Hunt (1951-1992), Erin Ozker (1948-1993), Jon Stone (1931-1997), Joe Raposo (1937-1989), Jeff Moss (1942-1998), Bernie Brillstein (1931-2008), Jerry Juhl (1938-2005), the great Jerry Nelson (1934-2012) and Jane Henson (1934-2013), ..........we'll all be forever grateful. Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts